The Fate of Bartleby and Loki
by Sara5
Summary: NEW CHAPTER! What happened to Bartleby and Loki after the movie?
1. Lucifer

A/N: Kevin Smith said that the fates of the people who died on the re- opening of the church were in the minds of the viewers, so here is my take on it.  
  
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Kevin Smith!  
  
Loki awoke from what seemed to be a deep trance, he felt his side which was cleansed and healed. He felt no pain. He looked around at his surroundings, it was different, and he certainly wasn't alive. Yet still, he was not home he was where he had feared, hell. "Why do I always have to listen to that son of a bitch?" he sighed as he dwelled on the four days leading to this arrival. But then he remembered it was he whom thought of the plan to kill wrong doers, forgetting that those who kill have wronged.  
  
But still he was down here, killed by his best friend, his partner, his hope. He knew Bartleby wasn't thinking clearly that something had popped manipulating his mind and driving him to the point of destruction. Loki knew though any minute he and all existence would disappear or he would be joined by his betrayer.  
  
What seemed to be hours passed as the flames around him rose, with the screeching sound of the sufferers filled the air tickling Loki's spine as if it was he who was being tortured. A shriek from above filled the air as it fell closer and closer to the hard stone floor. Bartleby was now huddled on the ground clasping his head with his arms. As he stood he felt his chest and his head realizing that they were back to normal. "What have I done?" he sighed as he turned facing his friend who he had failed. "I'm sorry," he said as he began to weep.  
  
Loki turned his back to him holding back his own tears and walked away towards his new home, the one he had feared of for so long. Azreal approached Loki in full white suit and chest. "I heard you got outsmarted by those two stoners," Loki said to him.  
  
"Don't get me started! You didn't seem to get past them yourself." He replied on full defense.  
  
"Hey, fuck you man, I had no plan of hurting those dudes, and they were pretty cool."  
  
"Yeah well welcome to hell, stay away from the flames they can really make an ass sting. And stay away from that room over there." He said pointing to a door that said 'worst possible punishment ever.'  
  
"Why?"  
  
"They've been playing Mrs. Doubtfire in there for the past five years. And I heard next week they're showing Forces of Nature and All the Pretty Horses."  
  
"Why would they want to make people suffer like that?"  
  
"Well hence the name 'worst possible punishment ever'. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to tell you that Lucifer wants to see you and Bartleby right away."  
  
"Well you'll have to pass the message onto that fuck cuz I ain't talking to him."  
  
"Jesus, you two and your childish games. So the guy killed you, it's not like he slept with your wife or anything."  
  
"I don't have a wife dumbass and even if I did we don't have dicks to fuck with!"  
  
"Oh, in that case, what a fuck! I guess I'll have to tell him them."  
  
"Thanks." Loki said as he backed away from Azreal. As he began to turn forward he knocked over a massive torch that continued to knock several other torches and finally stopped as it knocked over an enormous statue of Lucifer. "FUCK!" Loki screamed.  
  
Azreal approached Bartleby who was still hunched over in a ball.  
  
"Why look at this motha fucker right here." Azreal said rather cheerfully.  
  
Bartleby looked up at him wiping his tear stained cheeks, "still pimpin I see." Bartleby replied giggling for the first time in what seemed forever.  
  
"I just wanted to let you know how much I look up to you for being so brave and strong on your mission to get back up." Azreal sighed.  
  
"Well I don't," Bartleby said with his eyes down cast.  
  
"Lucifer wants to see you."  
  
Bartleby just nodded as he stood up and walked towards the florescent sign reading 'Lucifer's Pit' not looking down at the ground as he tripped over a stone. The floor began to rumble as a small crack began to form on the surface, growing longer and larger till a big crack formed separating two portions of hell. "Damnit!" Bartleby screamed.  
  
The two friends met again as they entered Lucifer's office. Loki stepped aside, "you first mon ami," he said as Bartleby thanked him. Loki stuck out his foot as he tripped him and he fell flat on his face. "Haha! Tricked you, you fuck!"  
  
"Why does that get me every time?" Bartleby sighed.  
  
"You know what," Loki began, "I guess that we could be friends again, if you let me kill you next time."  
  
"I wouldn't wanna die again any other way. Did you hear about that moron that knocked over the Lucifer statue?"  
  
Loki took a deep gulp, "Yeah," he responded, "what about that guy who split up hell back on the west side."  
  
At the same time they sighed and said "yeah, I don't wanna talk about it."  
  
The two former angels finally made it into Lucifer's office as they stood there waiting for him to speak. "You're supposed to bow." Lucifer said in anticipation.  
  
The two looked at him bewildered. "Why?" Bartleby finally asked.  
  
"Yeah, well no one likes you anyway!" Lucifer responded. "Jeez, you two have been here for two minutes and you've already given me a fucking head ache!"  
  
"Just doing our best, sir." Loki responded.  
  
"Well my two petite morons, have you seen the mass destruction of my once great kingdom?"  
  
The two looked in different directions and Loki began to whistle the 'Martin' theme song. "I thought so," Lucifer said. "I'm beginning to see why God got rid of you two, and I never agree with her! So this is why I have decided to make an agreement with you."  
  
"Agreement? What kind of agreement?" Bartleby asked.  
  
"Well I have decided to send you back to Earth, New Jersey. I think another day with you two and hell would be destroyed!"  
  
"Yeah and what do you get from this?" Loki cut in. "Do we have to sell our souls to you or something? Trick God into giving you the throne?"  
  
"No, you see, I don't like you two, not at all."  
  
"We love you too, sir." Loki remarked.  
  
"See point proven. You two made me look a fool during your little escapade and it pissed me off. Now since I can't erase you from time I decided to send you to that nice little shit hole."  
  
"Well Luc," Bartleby began, "Loki and I are beginning to like it a lot down here."  
  
"What?" Loki began as Bartleby stomped him on the foot.  
  
"If you want to get rid of us we're gonna need a few. hmm. benefits."  
  
"And what is that?"  
  
"Loki and I want to become angels again but with all the gear, you know anal organs, digestive system, not to forget immortality."  
  
"Deal but same provisions, you ain't getting back into heaven, and if you try to I will have you buried into a hole and you ain't going nowhere heaven or hell got that?"  
  
"Deal." Loki and Bartleby answered and with a snap of his fingers Bartleby and Loki disappeared.  
  
A/N: I know a lot of that didn't make sense but it did before, really it did. I can try to write more if you want but you have to ask. Buh bye nah! 


	2. Harry Potter Lollipops

A young girl walked along the smooth black street licking a lollipop. Her mother stood talking to a close friend that she hadn't seen in weeks and was oblivious to her daughter's actions.  
  
Bartleby and Loki hit the hot road hard which startled the young girl. "Yeah thanks!" Loki yelled to the ground. He looked up at the little girl who stood there staring at the once again fallen angels. "Hey there," Loki said with a wave.  
  
The girl was now frozen stunned at the sight. "Who are you?"  
  
"Well, um, I am an angel sent by God to help you through these- Ah, shit I can't go through with it, it's just too cheesy!" Loki laughed.  
  
"Mom-," the girl began to scream as Loki ran over and covered her mouth.  
  
"Shhhh, wait a second. Is that the new tootie frutie yumie tummie Harry Potter lollipop?" Loki asked.  
  
"Yeah, it must be the, the greatest, the bestest, the most wonderfulness lollipop created, made ever!" The little girl responded in an irritating voice.  
  
"Yo can you hook me up with a lick?"  
  
"Loki!" Bartleby said.  
  
"What, I wanna try it!"  
  
"We'll go buy you one, right now if you want."  
  
"But what if I don't like it?"  
  
"Then throw it away!"  
  
"It's the principle dude, the principle."  
  
"I don't know why I fuckin' bother!"  
  
"C'mon just give me a taste!" Loki pleaded to the girl.  
  
"No, you have cooties!" She replied.  
  
"No I don't!"  
  
"Yes you do!"  
  
Loki put his hand on one side of the lollipop as they tugged between them back and forth.  
  
"Well then I told them how you dare even ask me if I want it in black," the mother told her friend. In the back round Loki was now holding up the lollipop teasing the girl.  
  
"So what did they say?" The lady responded. Loki placed the lollipop near his tongue as he continued to taunt her.  
  
"Well what else would I? I told her to shove the fuckin shoe up her ass!" The girl, now full of anger kicked Loki in the nuts. As Loki heaves over in pain the girl grabs the lollipop from his hand.  
  
"I totally agree," the friend replied. Loki pulls on the girl's pigtail and she punches him in the stomach.  
  
"Eat it, bitch," the little girl said to Loki as his eyes welled up in pain.  
  
"Oh now it's on!" Loki screamed but before he could charge her Bartleby had held him back by his shirt collar. "You got off easy ya whore!"  
  
The little girl skipped away as she turned and stuck her tongue out at him. "Yo man why did you fuckin stop me? I was about to totally take her!"  
  
"I was trying to save what little dignity you had left." Bartleby smirked. "C'mon let's go find somewhere to live."  
  
"No I want my fuckin lollipop!" Loki demanded.  
  
"Okay, okay, we'll go to that quick stop over there, maybe rent some videos at the store next to it." Bartleby suggested.  
  
"Can we get Good Will Hunting? Can we please, please, please?" Loki pleaded.  
  
"Whatever," Bartleby sighed. He looked harder towards the quick stop and paused, "Wait a second. Is that Jay and Silent Bob?"  
  
"Ooo! Where?" Loki asked excited.  
  
"Right there." Bartleby pointed.  
  
"Jay, Bob," Loki screamed, "Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?"  
  
Jay perked up, "was it just me or did that sound like Loki." Silent Bob nodded. "Hey there are those two fucks right there!" Silent Bob looks at him funny. "Or it could be Holden and exec #2, or it could be Chuckie and Will, or it could be Jack and Edgar, or Chesty and Charlie, yeah or Matt and Ben. But what if it is them those to may try to fuckin kill us again?" Bob shrugs.  
  
Loki and Bartleby approached Jay and Silent Bob as they put up their protective pose. "Hey, guys long time no see!" Loki said excitedly.  
  
"Um yeah, Matt?" Jay asked confused.  
  
"No-," Loki said as Bartleby elbowed him in the stomach, "I mean, who else would it be, of course it's me, Matt Damon. And this is my hetero life mate, Ben Affluck."  
  
"Affleck," Bartleby whispered.  
  
"Right."  
  
"That's questionable," Jay whispered to Bob then too Loki and Bartleby he said, "Yeah dude sorry about that whole thing with the set but I mean we fuckin thought that you stole our big ass motha fucking movie check, and Silent Bob was torn apart." Bob elbows him in the side.  
  
"Well, we as famous established actors are going to go buy normal cigarettes and lollipops," Bartleby said passing them.  
  
"Catch ya later!" Loki said giving them a high five.  
  
**********************************  
  
After their almost dangerous mission to buy an important candy the two friends finally found an apartment to live in. As they watched a rerun of sponge bob and guzzled down beer Loki looked over at Bartleby, "You know Bartleby," he said, "I respect you in a lot of ways," he began to lean in to kiss him.  
  
"Yeah?" Bartleby responded.  
  
"Yeah," he suddenly turned back to the TV and simply replied, "but we almost forgot, Sara doesn't write slash."  
  
"Your right! Damnit!"  
  
A/N: That's it for now. 


End file.
